Doors? What are These Doors You Speak Of?
by Trefoil-underscore
Summary: Randolph Carter disturbs homeowners of several different species in his intergalactic quest for caffeine. First part is complete insane crack fluff and probably not canon as far as any other stories go.
On a cold, grey planet whose sun is a faint glimmer and whose inhabitants have no use for light, in a terraced and windowless structure of maddening alien proportions, two utterly alien fungoid-beings conversed on a porch.

 _~and then I asked how the brains were doing and he just exploded_

 _~of course, he's been a bit touchy about that, lately_

 _~yes, how odd, I believe he spilled one ~ poor fellow_

their conversation was interrupted by a hideous wailing sound like a siren. There were no sirens on Yuggoth. At least, none that sounded like that. The beings turned in confusion and looked into the building just in time to see a strange creature sprint past, arms (it only had two, and they were long and thin) flailing. It was making that bizarre noise as it went. "AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" It was wrapped in some strange material, mostly blue, and a sort of light silvery-yellow moss streamed from its head. A silver something gleamed in one hand. It crashed into a wall, turned down the next passage, and disappeared from view, still making the noise. The two beings turned to each other.

 _~?!_

 _~Earth-mammal_

the other clicked. Of course. One of those things.

 _~Earth-mammal_

they tried to resume their conversation, but a young one of their kind raced past, frantically buzzing

 _~Earth-mammal! Earth-mammal! Flee! Fleeeee!_

 _~Oh dear ~ it appears to be contagious_

said one being. The other had no chance to respond, for the young one was coming back from the other way.

 _~Flee! Fleeee! Hound! Hound! Hound! Hound! HOUND!_

a roiling mass of vapory maws and talons was pouring down the corridor after it.

 _~Hound!_

said the first being. The second dived off the porch and flew away over the city, and the first followed it quickly. Whatever blasphemously alien sounds the citizens of Yuggoth use for their sirens, they began blaring now.

Meanwhile, Randolph Carter had made the jump into the dreamlands and was lying face down in a mushroom patch trying to catch his breath and hoping that he hadn't done permanent damage to his vocal cords. "I just wanted a cup of coffee," he mumbled, "was that too much to ask?" he had had the bright idea of dimension-jumping down to the student lounge instead of walking, did a poor job of it, and somehow ended up being chased across the solar system by the Hounds. And then he fell into that dreadful, hideous, lightless place and hadn't been able to get out immediately. He seemed to have lost the Hounds now, though. He stood and began walking through the woods that he found himself in. He was back in familiar territory, and didn't doubt that he could return to the waking world if he so wished, but why not spend some time? Where, exactly, was he? Ah, there was a village there. He didn't recognize it. Those huts were interesting. He walked up to one and poked his head in through a window. A large, orange, fuzzy thing made a sound similar to a scream of terror. Carter replied in kind and fled the scene, arms flailing. What on earth was that? Finally it occurred to him to stop running and look at the key clenched in his hand. Oh. He felt like an idiot now. He knew from the way the light glinted on the coruscating lines that he wasn't in the dreamlands. He was somewhere entirely different. Where, he wasn't sure. But he'd had enough of it, wherever he was. He needed to get home.

Several packrat-like creatures watched in fascination as a human tumbled out of one of the old fountains of Carcosa and raced screaming down the deserted streets.

Carter flopped down on the cracked stone pavement and panted. He did not like Carcosa. He only ever ended up there by accident. The place was creepy. Why did he keep ending up in creepy places? He just wanted to get home! He sighed. The trouble was, he didn't have a clear enough image of the student lounge, because truth be told, he didn't really want to be there. He'd have to jump to another place and walk back. He thought, and his mind fixed on one particular image in his home world. He prepared himself. The key shone softly in his hands.

Dr. Armitage of Miskatonic University was woken by a stifled snicker in his bedroom. He didn't like when stifled snickers sneaked up on him. It usually meant Bad Things were going to happen. He sat bolt upright, aiming the pistol he kept tucked down the side of his mattress at the source of the noise. "Who's there?" It began giggling hysterically. He knew that particular hysterical giggle. "Carter? What on earth are you doing here?" Carter caught his breath enough to squeak "hi, Armitage!" then he began giggling again. Dr. Armitage groaned and put the pistol down. "Gods, why, Carter? I was having a peaceful night's sleep for once!" Mrs. Armitage sat up and turned the light on to disclose Randolph Carter rolling on the carpet. "What on earth…" "It's a student. He's, ah, slightly distraught over his studies, I think. I'll deal with this." "I locked the door! How did he get in?" "Through the attic." "The attic has no windows!" "You haven't been up there recently." "This had better not have anything to do with magic." "Er, no! Come along, Carter." Dr. Armitage seized the hysterical student under the armpits and dragged him downstairs to the kitchen, not very gently. "What is it this time? It had better be good." Carter made an effort to control himself, nearly succeeded, but was then reduced to tears by the sight of Armitage blinking furiously at him in his pajamas. Armitage sighed and waited for it to wear off. He'd obviously overtaxed himself again. "Where did you go, and on a scale of rabid Chihuahuas to invisible tentacle gods how surprising is it that you survived?" Carter calmed himself enough to tell the basics. "You went to Yuggoth?" "By accident." "And Carcosa? In one night?!" "Accidentally!" "What were you trying to do?" "Finish a term paper. Well, I mean, I was supposed to be finishing it, but I didn't want to. I think my suppressed aversion for the thing threw me far across the universe when I let it. I didn't realize how much I was dreading it." Armitage sank into a chair, not sure if he should groan or laugh. "You… you're amazing." Carter grinned nervously. "Can I have some coffee? I need coffee." "No, I believe you need some warm milk and sleep. You've got a few hours before morning." "But the paper…" "When's it due?" "This Friday. And it's twenty pages. And it's for Wilmarth." he shuddered. "Dr. Wilmarth." "Dr., yes, that one. I don't have a thesis. I don't have any ideas. He docks points if I mention cats. It's barbaric." "Oh yes, quite terrible," said Armitage drily. "Now, what's it about? You must have some ideas for a topic, at least." "I really don't." he began the hysterical giggling again. "Carter! You just traveled across the universe. You're fluent in nine alien languages, if you count Dreamlands dialects. I'm sure you can come up with a thesis." "No I can't! I'm going to have nothing and it's going to be shameful and he's going to kill me!" "Now, I don't believe it will be _that_ serious. Calm down and tell me what it's supposed to be about."

The two stayed up until the sun began to rise, discussing possible topics and brainstorming until Carter had at least a thin shred of hope to cling to. Armitage began making coffee, anticipating a long day for both of them. He turned around and found Carter asleep with his head on the table. He sighed and rubbed the nape of his neck. "Carter. Your skills are remarkable and I'm proud to have you as my pupil, but might I suggest you learn some time management next?" Carter sluggishly raised his head. "Time management? I'm a university student. I am the antithesis…" he let his head drop down again. Armitage made him a cup of coffee and slid it close to his face. Carter sat up enough to bring it to his mouth. He was trembling from exhaustion. Armitage gave him a quick shower and some buttered toast and sent him off to his first class more or less in the land of the living. Mrs. Armitage appeared holding something that Armitage meant to have hidden. "Oh, that's ah, from the library." "You promised me you wouldn't bring the _Necronomicon_ into the house after what happened last time." "I didn't specifically promise. I said I didn't think I would." she glared at him. "I know, I'm sorry. We needed it for something—" "What could you possibly be doing inside our house that would require this hideous thing?" "…Tutoring." "Tutoring?" "Carter is learning Aklo." and various other things which we will not mention. Mrs. Armitage threw her hands up in despair. "You said you were going to leave the crazy stuff alone!" "I tried, Jillian. Crazy follows me around. I don't like it either." "I believe that you do." "Well, you get used to anything after a while." he wrapped his arms around her and looked over her head at the university grounds across the street, bathed in morning light. He was starting to feel that this part of his life—the sane, human, normal part—was segregated from the rest, and becoming smaller and smaller, a walled garden in the middle of a wasteland. He treasured the garden, but he hardly ever walked there these days. He wondered if he ever would. He was beginning to feel an outsider to himself.

 **A/N: The main part of this is complete fluff, I just had the idea and wanted to write it. I will probably not use it in Minecraft Mythos, the longer crossover I'm writing. I did play around with elements which are, in fact, canon in my weird little AU in the last bit.**  
 **Now I need to stop procrastinating and do this thing... it's not a 20-page term paper, at least...**


End file.
